grandma shit on top of the toilet
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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