I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
