I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
