yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
