I'm lost and stupid without you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
do nipples grow back?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
