sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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