I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
