Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
