nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
