What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
