I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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