Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
