Got a toothbrush?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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