You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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