I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
