Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
