So drunk its hurt
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize