Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
