My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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