Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
