So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
