handjob tips. give me some.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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