Do you still have your period?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
