I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We left the knife in your bed.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Randomize