i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The struggles of a small town man whore
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
