She tied me up with her honor cords...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
