Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
