his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
