Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
