I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
