Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
