So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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