who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
