Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
