Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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