you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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