I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
