Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
