Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
A+ Viking dick
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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