Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
