Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
