ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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