Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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