i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
