Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
