If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
