Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
