I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize