If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
