I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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