one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize