Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize