Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
