hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
