I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
