Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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