Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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